I'm Not An Idiot
by joelscott
Summary: Remus can't help but do some thinking one night about his relationship with Sirius. His insecurities bubble to the surface. Remus/Sirius/ Please read and review!


AN: Just a little look into Remus Lupin's head one night as he is lying in bed. I'm pegging them at about midway through their 6th year at Hogwarts. Remus always struck as very insecure and this is his insecurity bubbling up one night. Please, I beg you love this or hate this, please review! And of course I do not own any of these characters. Only JK does!

I'm Not An Idiot

I'm not an idiot. If anyone knows anything about the mysterious and quite Remus J. Lupin it is that fact alone. Everyone knows I am one of the top students in my year. I would be the top if it weren't for blasted potions class. For the life of me I can never understand why I turn into a complete dim-wit the second I step into Slughorn's dungeon. Alas, can't be perfect at everything I guess. Even if this is contrary to what my boyfriend of six months and friend of six years says. He says it as if it is settled, that there is no room for discussion on my perfection. To Sirius, the words that escape his mouth are infallible. As he holds me tight every night in my bed he whispers into my ear how I am perfect in every way. My brain, my nerve, my body, everything that makes me Remus Lupin is perfect he tells me. There are times when his words are like falling into a warm bath on a cold day. The heat courses through every fiber of my being and warms my very soul.

But there are times, like tonight, that it takes every ounce of restraint I have not to scoff and call him a liar. I hate it when I'm like that. I hate it when reality slinks through the curtins that shield our bed. I want to jump up and tell him I'm not as gullible as I look. I know that someone as glorious as he could never love some pathetic freak of nature like myself. Anyone who knew me could attest to how worthless I am.

I am too scrawny for starters. The skin stretched over my bones, many which protruded from underneath. Sirius will throw his arm around my small frame. He says it makes it easier to cuddle and hold. He likes it when I sleep on top of him. When he first asked me I thought he was kidding. I tried to beg off and insisted it would be too uncomfortable for him. He barked his laughter and told me I was so small he almost wouldn't notice the weight. It was my warmth he liked, our skin pressed against each other.

My skin is another ungodly fuck up about me that Sirius pretends to like. So many nights he will brush his lips against my innumerable scars that adorn my alabaster colored skin and telling me he loves every one of them. How could he? The scars are tangible reminders of the demon that I become once a month. They are a reminder of just how imperfect I am.

I still wonder how could anyone love a demon, especially him? He is Sirius Black, he is beautiful beyond any words could come close to describing. His dark hair and his lighter complexion and his wild and penetrating eyes that make both females and males swoon in his wake. He could have his choice of many better people than I. Who am I kidding? He probably does. I can feel the tears that are starting to trickle down my cheeks at the thought. But why deny the obvious? The signs are there. He sneaks off every now and then for an hour or two and comes back with a smirk that he tries to hide. I wonder who he is off with. Ashley Peel? Maria Harrison? I could see him also going for Josh Williams. They had everything I don't. Looks, talent, a future…everything.

What do I have compared to them? Nothing, I am an ugly creature, I have no talent except for failure, and my future is as bleak as a moonless night. Maybe it would be best if I threw myself off the astronomy tower. Sirius would be free from that curse that I have become. He could be with someone else, someone who deserves him, someone who is worthy of the amazing person that he is. I wonder…if Voldemort broke into the dorm right now and blasted me with the Killing curse…would Sirius care? How would he react if he saw my lifeless and limp body? I am sure he will be sad but how much relief would be mingled with that?

The tears are falling thick and fast now. My body is convulsing as I try to restrain the sobs that threaten to burst out of me. "Remus, love?" my eyes fly open and I see the face of the man I love. His face is full of concern and love as he stares into my eyes. "Moony what's wrong?" His soft hand runs slowly through my hair and his lips meet my forehead. "Nothing, Padfoot. I just had a nightmare." He smiles sadly at me and draws me near to him. All the fear that went through my brain melted at his touch. I am not an idiot. I know that I am completely and fully in love with Sirius Black and even with my fears I'd never give him up. I'm not an idiot. I'm in love.


End file.
